Well, my excitement about the re-horniness of films has been extinguished like a baptized-burning Irish vampire. Sorry for the slight pre-spoiler, but I need to make it clear from the get-go that this movie was greatly disappointing in terms of wankability. You're probably wondering why I even bothered reviewing this film instead of just scraping it like I did some other unforgivably skinless flicks like Companion. Even if you’re not, I’m going to tell you. It’s been two whole months without reviewing a new movie, and I was starting to worry about getting a talking-to from the editor-in-chief. I had to deliver something, and I thought this Ryan Coogler yarn would provide an opportunity to rail against the prudification of blockbuster films. I realize now, too late, that this film was exactly that. I think I was confused since Mr. Coogler has been described as an auteur and a visionary, etc. Especially after the Lynchathon last month, I was excited to see what this new voice in film would offer in terms of the male gaze.
But after leaving the theater disappointed and blue-balled, I looked up this dude's résumé. He's made two Marvel movies and a Rocky spinoff! This is no auteur; this is a blockbuster IP schlock hawker! So it seems that although the world of artsy and award-winning cinema is indeed shifting towards a new full-blown hornytopia, the world of big-budget, novelty popcorn bucket films remains quite chaste.
Spoilers Ahead!
So to be fair, the only reason I even bothered to see this was because my social media feed kept throwing ads at me showing Hailee Steinfeld giving a sharp-toothed, horny grin. I thought, "Holy shit! Do we finally get to see her naked?!" An R-rated vampire movie set in a boozy, sweaty juke joint? Forgive me for thinking we were going to be getting an absolute flesh feast. The precedent is there. All the best vampire movies are basically excuses to make soft-core porn with fake blood. I remember, as a wee lad, snatching my stepdad's VHS copy of Interview With The Vampire, thinking I wasn't allowed to watch it 'cause of a bunch of gore and violence. I learned that day why we watch movies. To see naked ladies! From Dusk till Dawn gave us Selma Hayek’s tits. Even Coppola’s Dracula, the one with Keanu Reeves stretching the definition of "acting," had loads of titties in it and weird, horny monster sex scenes. The vampire horror movie subgenre is basically an excuse to indulge in our most perverse, horny fantasies. Even the new Nosferatu (my review of which you can read in this magazine’s archives) provided plenty of tits, bush, ass, and weird not-sex scenes to get off to.
This movie was called Sinners for God’s sake! I thought we were full speed ahead with continuing the tradition of horny vampire movies. Not so! They really wind you up for it though. The whole movie is basically setting up for the party of the century, and even the protagonists' exes are interested in coming. And to be fair, there are two boning scenes, but they are fully clothed! What the hell? This did get an R-rating, right? We see more of Michael B. Jordan's body than Hailee Steinfeld's! Not fair! Now, we do get to see a good portion of the thicc Hoodoo Priestess lady's massive titties, but there's a fucking baby in the way the whole time! You don't even get to see a nipple. I guess there is enough titty in the shot to get a good wank going, but the baby really kills the mood, and I'm not into the breastfeeding thing.
So much opportunity. So much sexual tension. Absolutely no payoff. You literally have people sneaking off to the broom closet to fuck, and all we get is a wide shot of a clothed gal grinding. Barely in focus.
I like to imagine that if this movie was made in the '70s and leaned fully into blacksploitation cheese, we’d have non-stop nudity and fuck scenes during the juke joint climax. As the trouble-causing twins Smoke and Stack come back to their hometown, dicks swinging, they’d have plowed two bitches each with said dicks in the first half hour of the film.
I really hope that, at some point, blockbuster popcorn flicks will go the way of Oscar winners and artsy films. Stuffed to the brim with a bunch of gratuitous sex scenes and unnecessary nudity. Especially if they’re rated R. If the point is to sell tickets, I guarantee that tits and ass will only help sell more of them.
More importantly, let's please not backslide into the chaste hell of Twilight-era vampire movies. The woman who wrote those was a Mormon! Those movies should be the exception, not the rule. Make vampire movies horny again!
1/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
