Pizza. It's so commonplace now that you can't envision pizza as not being a flat-ass bread with sauce and cheese and various toppings. Except for you Chicago deep dish folks, wherein it is more of a sort of...casserole than a grab-a-slice-and-go affair.
I am eating pizza right now from Hometown Pizza in Portland. Good stuff. But pizza right now is not how it used to be. The modern incarnation of what we call pizza today is nothing like in the past. Let's deep dive and see where pizza started and how we've come to know our favorite dish.
Yes, pizza has been part of Italian/Catholic history for over 1,000 years, even before "Italy" was a consolidated nation and not a collection of constantly warring city-states. The papal conclave and the Pope himself reveled in the delight of what they then called pizza. It looked nothing like it looks today—more like a loaf than a pie.
In the words of Pope Pius V's executive cook: "Split the dough into two or three pieces, and with each of these pieces, make the pizza in a tart pan, where there is fresh butter, and put them to cook in the oven with melted butter on top. Make several holes with the point of the knife on the top so that it does not puff too much. When it is nearly finished cooking, sprinkle it with sugar and rose water. This pastry should be cooked slowly and served hot." It was apparently Pope Pius V's fave in 1570. Sugar and rose water and a fuckton of butter. Sounds more like dessert than dinner, but I ain't the Pope, who I believe has the authority to decide what is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, at least for Catholics. No fuckin' meat on Friday? Fuck that, I'm joining the Zoroastrians, they let you eat children.
In 1535, poet Benedetto di Falco wrote "Rock Me Amadeus," and it changed the world. Nah, just playin', but he did write "Description of Ancient Places in Naples" and commented that seasoned flatbread, which the rest of Italy called focaccia, was called pizza. That is why Naples, or Napoli if you wanna get all Italian about it, is considered the birthplace of what we would call pizza, in the sense we think of it today, as they served it with many toppings, but mostly fish. Honestly, if you made me a pizza on what modern people consider focaccia bread, I would pee on your wife.
Italians, when the tomato was introduced to them after people visited the New World™, it blew their fucking minds! There's-a so-a many-a things to do! They immediately applied them to their pizza and said to themselves, "This is the best shit ever; what the hell?" So, the pizza game was changed forever.
One of the classics. Flatbread, cheese, tomato and basil. But why is it one of the classics? Well, who better to look to, than the legendary Alexandre Dumas, French writer and professional asshole. According to his writing, Queen Margherita of Savoy, wife of King Umberto I, had it out for this. Pizza, at this time in the 19th century, was seen as poor people's food. Not fit for a queen. But Margherita requested it, and as the story goes, this was because she was bored of the fancy French cuisine that royalty was accustomed to being fed. According to accounts, she was served three pizzas made by quite famous pizza chef Raffaele Esposito. He made one with garlic and fish, one with tomato and mozzarella, and her favorite: basil, tomato, and mozzarella. She didn't like the fishy one and preferred the one with the basil because it was apparently the most delicious. Red, green, and white were the colors of Italy, and she liked that. So, it became known as the Pizza Margherita.
Chicago deep-dish pizza. It was ostensibly invented in 1943 at Pizzeria Uno by one Ike Swewll and one Ric Riccardo. Is this an I Love Lucy gag? The toppings are layered between the sauce and the cheese. It can go fuck itself.
This one we can blame on Canada. In 1962, a Greek immigrant named Sam Panopoulos came up with the brilliant idea of adding pineapple to a Canadian bacon pizza. They just call it bacon, there. He had no idea that a worldwide communication network would eventually spring up and tell people to hate it. Poor fellow.
In the 21st century, people will put pretty much any kind of bold, crafty ingredients on their pizza and charge you 60 bucks for it. People buy it, though. "Yes, I want the salmon and olives pizza with extra country gravy on top." Just gimme a slice of pepperoni and, ideally, non-ethically sourced cheese for $2. People in California are probably ordering extra sauce and dogshit on their pizzas. The "Mastiff Special."
That's pretty much the best that my research came up with, so I hope you enjoyed knowing the history of what you order on your phone at 2 a.m. when your friend is too drunk and you need to get something in her stomach.
Eat well,
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a cold crust leftover from last night; tomato fan, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
